Your teenage son has gone quiet since the divorce. Here is how to reconnect without pushing him further away.

Where you probably are

He answers in one word. He is on his phone when he is at yours. He has cancelled the last two weekends, or his mother says he does not want to come. You have tried asking what is wrong, and that made it worse. You are starting to wonder whether he has taken a side. You want a plan that does not depend on him suddenly opening up.

What is normal and what is not

Normal, according to the Child Mind Institute: talking to parents less, one-word answers, wanting privacy, asserting independence without much grace. It calls the one-word-answer teenager who still has his friends and his activities well within the range of normal development.

Not normal: a son who stays in his room and has withdrawn from friends and the things he used to enjoy. The Institute calls that cause for serious concern. If he has been sad or irritable most of the day, most days, for at least two weeks, has lost interest in things he loved, or talks about being worthless or hopeless, he needs a professional this week, not a better text from you. If he mentions suicide, get him evaluated immediately, and go to an emergency room if there is an imminent threat. Crisis lines by country are in the footer.

What to do instead

1. Side by side, not face to face. Do things together without talking about anything personal. The Child Mind Institute's advice is that kids need to know they can be near you without being hit with intrusive questions or called out for something. The car, the kitchen, a game, a walk with the dog.
2. Share, do not interrogate. Do not pump him for information. Open up about something funny or interesting from your own day instead. Direct questions are less effective than sitting back and listening.
3. Treat the offhand comment as the opening. An offhand remark about his day is his way of reaching out. Respond to it lightly; do not turn it into a conversation he did not ask for.
4. Let him tell you to back off. He probably will. That is him asking for space, not for distance. Say you will give him space and that you are there when he wants to talk, then actually do both.
5. Be reliable and predictable. Same days, same pickup, same food in the fridge. Predictable schedules help kids settle faster after a divorce.

The things to stop today

• Speaking negatively about his mother in front of him, or in a text he can read. Child-development guidance is consistent on this one.
• Asking him to pass messages or ask her about money or the schedule.
• Guilt: "after everything I have done", "you never", "your mother is turning you against me".
• Treating a cancelled visit as a verdict. It is a weekend, not a judgment.
• Lecturing. Even when you are right.