My teenage son won't talk to me after the divorce: what is normal, what is not, and what to do this week

First, the warning signs

The Child Mind Institute describes two very different teenagers. The first gives one-word answers, has a best friend he tells everything to, and still goes to practice. That one is normal; the Institute says there is very little to worry about. The second stays in his room, has pulled away from friends, and has lost interest in things he used to enjoy. That one, it says, is cause for serious concern and outside normal development.

Look for: sad or irritable most of the day, most days, for two weeks or more; loss of interest in things he loved; talk of being worthless, hopeless or guilty about things that are not his fault; changes in sleep or eating; dropping friends. If you see several, call his doctor and describe exactly what you have observed. If he mentions suicide, get him evaluated immediately. If there is an imminent threat, go to an emergency room.

If it is normal withdrawal plus a divorce

Then the problem is not that he will not talk. It is that every interaction with you has become a conversation he has to manage. Your new job is to be the easy parent to be around.

1. Two weeks of no direct questions. Not "how was school", not "how are things at mum's", not "what's wrong". If you need information, get it from his school or his mother directly.
2. Side-by-side time with no agenda. Driving, cooking, a game, fixing something, a walk. The Institute's advice is to spend time doing things you both enjoy without talking about anything personal, so he learns he can be near you without being questioned.
3. Share instead of asking. Something funny from your day, a song, a story about your own teenage stupidity. You go first; he may or may not follow. Either is fine.
4. Catch the offhand comment. When he does say something unprompted, that is the reach-out. Respond lightly and briefly. Do not pounce.
5. Text like a person, not a parent. One message every two or three days, never two unanswered in a row, nothing about his mother or the schedule. The free list below gives you twelve that need no reply.

What to do when he says 'back off'

Say okay. The Child Mind Institute's wording is useful: "I'll give you more space, but know that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk." Then give the space. The test is whether you still turn up on your days, still make the food, still send the occasional text, without making him pay for the distance.

What to stop

• Lecturing, even gently.
• Asking about his mother or the other house.
• Using him to carry messages.
• Treating a quiet weekend as a failed weekend.
• Comparing him to her, or to how he used to be.